Over the course of 7 months, I have been on several interviews (at least 15), applied to 50+ jobs, and met with 2 recruiters. I scoured job posting websites, both nationally and locally, stalked former coworkers for leads, and wallowed in my job search woes.
And then one day I got a phone call that brought a job offer.
And I cried.
Not tears of joy, but tears of sorrow.
Tears that I would soon be leaving my sweet baby boy after 5.5 months together. Tears that my former supervisor replaced me on maternity leave and that I was even in this predicament. Tears that I would experience a "first day" for the first time in 5 years. Tears that I might not be good enough or might not do a decent job. Tears that I might not be liked.
[and like any rational person, I ran to my computer to email two of my favorite working mommy bloggers and beg for help - Kelly from Mrs. in Training and Lindsay from Baby Mama Drama - therapy, I tell ya]
Then I remembered a quote that I read at some point that went a little like this:
"Do one thing every day that scares you." - Eleanor Roosevelt
Guys, I'm scared. Terrified, even. But I'm jumping off the pity party bus and determined to kick ass at this new job. Never again will I stay 5 years (and who knows how much longer I would've stayed if I could!) at a job where I am unappreciated and treated poorly. Never again will I work somewhere that guilts me for taking a sick day or utilizing my maternity leave.
Best of all, I've worked with my new supervisor before and LOVED it. I will have my own office with blinds and a locking door (and plan to do a breastfeeding for working moms post later) and a boss that said "this is your office, you can do what you want". I will get HUMAN interaction with students and parents and coworkers and not stare at my computer screens all day long. While those are wonderful perks, the main reasons I went back to work are:
1. MONEY. My husband makes enough for us to survive, but I want to be able to purchase whatever Carter needs, worry free. I never want him to know what it's like to worry about money like I did growing up. I remember once my mom saying to me "I can either pay your dentist bill or Christmas this year, you decide." My Mom did the best she could as a single mother, but I don't want Carter to go through that if I can help it.
2. IDENTITY. I've always been a career woman with dreams of someday being a stay-at-home mom. I didn't get two finance degrees and a MBA for nothing. I am a work-a-holic and crave the satisfaction that work can give. I would love to be a SAHM if we have another child, but it's not in the cards right now. Being a SAHM is MUCH more difficult than any office job, so this just might be easier in some regards, and I'm not afraid to admit it.
Am I sad to be leaving Carter? YES. I am heartbroken. I love him with every ounce of my being. Am I excited for what the future has in store for him? YES. Stay tuned for Part II where I explain why I am putting my son in daycare.
Side note: This post might not even make sense, excuse me if that is the case. My posts are few and far between lately as I get into through this transition. Also, I have a screaming baby to tend to, so see ya next time!
